if you want to get to know me email me at shibbydef@gmail.com

Q: what do you call two lesbians floating down a river
A: Fur Traders

Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Q: Whats the difference between a lesbian driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: When u are eating pussy you can still see the asshole in front of you!

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience

Q: Why don't fem lesbians go on dates?
A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.

Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke"?
A: It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!
Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian style of running shoe: the dykee?
A: It has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get it off.

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a ritz cracker?
A: One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

Q: What do you call an Irish lesbian?
A: Gaylick

Q: What do you call a lesbian who lives up north?
A: A Klondyke.

Q: What's the most important question on the minds of Alaskan lesbians?
A: What would ya do oh oh for a Klondyke bar?

Q: What do you call a lesbian's closet?
A: A lick-her cabinet.

Q: What do you call three lesbians in a closet?
A: A Licker cabinet

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
A: Single!

Q: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?
A: Depends

Q: Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear lipstick at the same time?
A: You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face!

Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats

Q: What do you call a 300 pound lesbian?
A: A bush hog

Q: What do you call a 100 pound lesbian?
A: A weedeater

Q: What did one lesbian say to another?
A: "Your face or mine?"

Q: Do you know why oysters increase lesbian sexual libido?
A: Because after eating a dozen oysters, pussy doesn't taste so bad!

Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?
A: Tongue in cheek.

Q: What do you call two Chinese lesbians?
A: two can chew!

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: 3 blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?
A: Someone has to mow the yard.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 1,000 semiautomatic rifles?
A: Militia etheridge

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a lesbian?
A: You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: well hung

Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: What is the difference between a Wheat Thin and a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"

The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

Don't take candy from strangers, unless they offer you a ride.

I'll start exercising as soon as i get into shape.

If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth.

Maybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue.

Earth is full. go home.

Gee, I'd like to care, but I wasn't given that gene.

Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they can't laugh either. (i like this one)

If you can't laugh at yourself, at least let me do it.

I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Visa. (ok that was kind'a dumb)

I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away.

Women as Explained by Engineers

Finally- an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man!

Element: Woman
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg, to 225 kg.

Physical properties
___________________

Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint.

Boils at absolutely nothing-freezes for no apparent reason.

Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material, to common ore.

Chemical properties
____________________

Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones.

Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.

The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Use
__________________

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

Can greatly aid relaxation.

Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

Hazards
__________________

Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.

Possession of more than one is possible, but specimens must never make eye contact!

Here is a list of some really stupid laws I've seen:
Alaska- You can't wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture.

Florida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays.

Idaho- You can't fish from the back of a camel. (Who has a pet camel in Idaho anyway?!?)

Oklahoma-Whaling is illegal. (hint-there aren't any oceans or whales in Oklahoma!)
You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors.

Baldwin Park, California- You can't (and why would you?) ride bicycles in swimming pools.

Houston, Texas- You can't sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Lexington, Kentucky- You can't carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket. (What are the police going to go around checking peoples pockets for ice-cream?)

Marion, Ohio- You can't walk backwards on a city street while eating a donut.

Myrtle Creek, Oregon- No boxing with kangaroos. (Wait, there are kangaroos in Oregon???)

Nashville, Tennessee- You must be at least 18 years old to play pinball.

New Orleans- You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Whitehall, Montana- You can't drive a car with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Wynona, Oklahoma- You can't wash your clothes in a birdbath. (Be careful...the neighbors are watching!)

What do you call a black woman with braces? A Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker.

Hear about the new deodorant called "Umpire"? It's for foul balls.

How do you circumcise a whale? Fore-skin divers.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.

Why don't they use the 911 system in Poland? Polacks can't find the 'eleven' on the telephone dial.

What do Polish women do when they're done sucking cock? Spit out the feathers.

Why aren't cowboys circumcised? They need someplace to keep their Skoal while they eat lunch.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead!

How do you make a baby float? One root beer and 2 scoops of baby.

Why did God give Mexicans noses? So they'd have something to pick in winter.

What do you call a Jewish American Princess's (JAP) waterbed? The Dead Sea.

What's a JAPs idea of natural childbirth? Absolutely no make-up.

Why do JAPs close their eyes while screwing? So they can pretend they're shopping.

What does a JAP do during a nuclear holocaust? Gets out her sun reflector.

How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car? One, if you hit him just right.

What do you get when you cross a Black man and a groundhog? Six more weeks of basketball season.

If you call a white woman in the Army a WAC, what do you call a black woman in the Army? A WACoon.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a 5 day drunk? "I freed who?"

Did you hear about the Polish abortion clinic? There's a 1 year waiting list.

How did the Polish ice hockey team drown? Spring training.

What do you call a polack with 500 girlfriends? A shepherd.

What did the Catholic dude do with his first 50 cent piece? He married her.

Why don't Puerto Ricans like blow jobs? They're afraid it will interfere with their unemployment benefits.

What's a rednecks definition of foreplay? Wake up bitch!

What's the definition of a maniac? An Italian in a whore house with a credit card.

What do you call kids born in whore houses? Brothel Sprouts.

On the return of Rev. Jesse Jackson's trip as he brought back Robert Goodman, a reporter asked Jesse how he liked 'Beirut' and he answered, "Well, okay, but I like Hank Aaron better."

When kids say:

The party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time.

I'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help.

It's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me.

When men say:

Hi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night.

When women say:

I'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: They already have boyfriends.

Q: Why is it that an archaeologist is the best man to have as a husband?
A: The older you get the more he is interested in you.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow!

Q: Why are blond jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Man: I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothing to put in it.
Woman: You wear a pants, don't you?

Man: God, why did you make my girlfriend so beautiful and caring?"
God: So you would love her.
Man: But God, why did you make her so stupid?"
God: So she would love you!

What Men Want

More beer. More cheese. More sex.

Vitamin fortified cigars.

Public beer fountains.

Kitty catapults.

All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.

Wet T-shirt Fridays.

Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.

Rocket boots.

Machine gun camp.

NASA space shuttle races.

Sledgehammer boxing.

Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.

Congressional pie fights.

Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.

More beer. More cheese. More sex.

Tomahawk missile surf boards.

Hot tub jury boxes.

Nacho cheese lipstick.

Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.

New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.

24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.

More beer. More cheese. More sex.

Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.

Inflatable sex dolls who cook.

Beef jerky business cards.

Combination briefcase/pizza oven.

National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.

Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.

Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.

Karaoke "ejector" stages.

Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.

The Astronaut Reserves.

Porno without all the "talking" filler.

Head banging elevated to "fine art".

All money spent on women tax deductible!

Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.

Passports to Margaritaville.

The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.

One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

How can you tell if you had a really great blowjob?
You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.

How can you tell if you have a great wife?
She pulls the sheet out for you.